Monday, April 12, 2010

Clarifying and upcoming posts

My daughter (who is grown before I get another hate email - which you can stop sending by the way because you're stupid I just delete them) who reads this blog and knows me as well as anyone in my life... pointed out that I might want to clarify to the readers that although yes, I was sexually abused, I consider the majority of my "trauma" to have been inflicted by my mother who did NOT sexually abuse me.  So, now that I've said that out loud, I want to talk about why I've been so slow to post lately.

The next several years of posts are going to include disassociation aka splitting, lying, promiscuity, suicide attempts, eating disorders, and a lot of other really reactive behaviors that we see in children in foster care every day. I'm going to talk about them so that we can possibly have a little understanding and compassion for what abused children could be going through although I make no claims that every child is reacting the way I did or that I had every reaction that other children have had or have. Every person/child deals with their reality the best way they can with the coping skills they have developed.

Also...I do not use the word survivor to describe myself because I am no longer a victim. I am mentally healthy in today's life (to the best of my ability LoL) and I don't pretend that the past doesn't affect the way I view the world. That is true of every person. I also realize I talk a lot about being in spiritual conflict and crisis throughout this blog which has remained a final unresolved issue. I have received a few emails from some well-meaning, but narrow minded people who want to tell me that I'm going to hell if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Savior, so let me say this:

I love people (and sometimes I hate people). I love the variety of paths that people have lived and where that has led them. I love learning from them and developing new perspectives because they were able to articulate something in a way that made sense to me.  I love a lot of believing people, both Mormon and non-Mormon. My  issue is not with people as people... so don't make this about you or your religion or your personal relationship with God... and please... don't make it your personal goal to save me by telling me I'm going to hell. I climbed out of hell and my personal belief is that hell is created by people. I've found the  most loving of Christians are gentle with non-believers. I don't respond well to any other approach. And I'm really  not ready to deal with all that yet and I don't have to. I'm on my own timeline, living my own life at my own pace. If I get hit by  a bus tomorrow, I was still a good person despite other's criteria regarding my soul.

This is my journey. I cuss. It's not to offend, it's because I thought  I cuss word. I blog my reality... as I remember it.  It's not my intention to cause contention among believers. It may help you to understand the struggle of abused children as it relates to their conflict with religion and/or God, if you'll just take a deep breath. I think this is where some psychologist somewhere says "I'm okay, You're okay".


Von said...

Too right you're the expert on your own jopurney.

Rebekah said...

Ahhh, yes. Good old hate mail. If it makes you feel non-isolated I get droves of it. I've learned to brush it off. Forget what others think of you and continue blazing your own trail (which you do fine job of). The people that know you and love you best, know your heart.

As a believer, I'm appalled that so many God-professing people act in such anti-Christ manners. God is love, as should our reflection be.

I read because of your transparency. It's refreshing and needed.

Don't be discouraged.

Anonymous said...

i also read because of your realness. don't stop. people that send hate mail need to find something better to do with their time!

J. said...

I love that you are real. I love that you are not afraid to be honest about your journey. I hate trolls too.
Thanks for your comments to other day... once I can convince this prinicpal that shame is a significant factor for "our" children we will be getting somewhere... cross your fingers.

jodilee0123 said...

I've actually had people send me hate mail for other people by linking on me as a follower because they didn't accept their comment. (I haven't received any for you yet!) haha! I love that you are real in your blog. You know my connection. Plus, I've seen it all at the juvenile crisis center. It gives me great hope that love can really make a difference. Besides. . . you already know that I believe God has brought us together. I have already been able to pass on your words of wisdom--that "it only takes one person to love unconditionally for someone to make it." Wise words. I'll see you in heaven! :0) Well, maybe we will meet in person before that!

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

I can't believe that people come to a blog expecting a big kum-by-ya singing. This is YOUR story, and your story in it's blogged form is exactly what helps other unknowing people (namely, ME) know what your life was like. And it relates to my traumatized children. I can't get any other relation without people sharing...and for that I THANK YOU!!!

Babs said...

LoL, Ya'll are the best. I think I got a little pissy. Guess I needed to just spew. Glad you all are here!!

Maggie said...

As a believer, I have loved reading your honest experience. Thank you.

Amanda said...

I would like to say, for what it is worth, that this was very well stated. Not that your other posts are not; however, I clearly understand where you are coming from and applaud you for your choice of words. I especially liked, “I love the variety of paths that people have lived and where that has led them. I love learning from them and developing new perspectives because they were able to articulate something in a way that made sense to me.” Well put! And I must add that the feeling is mutual. Also, I too “I've found the most loving of Christians are gentle with non-believers.”

Princess Jo said...

I was brought up in a fundamentalist baptist church - and experienced many of the same things!

One day at a time.

I am loving reading your story.