Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Hmmm

I wonder why it is that when I feel like I could post and talk about the past when I only have about fifteen minutes before I need to leave or be somewhere? Then, when I have an hour or four... I'm sort of like... stuck. Like I don't know myself. But I do know myself.  Moments of clarity... a lifetime habit of ignoring.

Anyway, I have a flat tire and my honey is out of town. Thankfully, I have sweet co-workers willing to give me a lift into town. It's too hot to teach myself how to change a tire for real.

My mom's birthday is coming up on the 18th. Those are the times I wish I believed or believed more... or knew what I believed. It's so much less painful to just say I don't.  Playing with those ideas is like sticking my hand in scalding water.

It's days that I have flat tires, no money, and a whiny attitude that I want her. But not her... the her I wanted her to be. That I want her to be.

I want to whine and laugh and cry with her and see a smile or hear an exaggerated "I'm on my way".

I hope my kids feel like they have that.

4 comments:

Tammy said...

Funny how even in a very few minutes and words, you can express so much.

Anonymous said...

your kids do and will have that.

sometimes, growing up in a sucky situation ends up at least benefitting OUR kids. we know what we don't and WON'T do!

Babs said...

Anon, that's so true.

Shaina P. said...

i just came across your post this evening and i've felt that way about my own mother. as time has gone on, our relationship has changed, but there definitely came a time when i finally surrendered the expectation. the expectation of who i wanted her to be, who i thought she should be, etc. it doesn't matter what i think or want. she is who she is and she's my mother. once i began relating to her from that perspective, everything became a lot better. not necessarily easier, but better. we have to be real with ourselves. it's a fallen world, and we're all broken people. *jumps off of soapbox* anyhoo, enjoy reading your blog. i'm a foster parent coming from a crazy unhealthy childhood trying to help other kids, so i definitely get it, i think. :o)