Thursday, December 9, 2010

What's up?

Hi everyone! I've been home for almost a week sick with bronchitis and laryngitis. Funny how life slows you down sometimes. Maria(Canada), thank you for your comment. I never really "go anywhere". I look at this blog several times a month and think "why can't I blog". Then I give myself permission to ignore it. Ha. I've been giving myself permission to ignore myself all my life. I need the push so thanks!

So let's talk about why I'm not blogging. Um, because I'm scared. There I said it. I went too far into my story too fast and got scared. What exactly am I scared of? The vulnerable feeling I get that I spent forty years building a wall around.  Telling this story is like getting naked in front of people in the mall or something LoL.

I'm not really good at getting "nekkid". I had a good friend tell me once that I come off as a "hard" person, but that anyone who takes a little time to get to know me can see it's a cover. Ah, how many children do we see doing that? But I'm not a child. So when will I allow myself to be comfortable in my own skin. Will I ever trust or is that even necessary for finding "peace".

I have learned/recognized recently that I'm not content with my "all or nothing" approach to life. I am not able to do anything half way. I either give it everything I have or nothing at all. That includes housework, social work, parenting, friendships, relationships and of course, this blogging (obviously). I don't know how. I love my therapist. She promises me she's going to teach me to find some middle ground and how to find some peace of mind. I believe her too.

One decision I've made is to set a goal for myself to be out of CPS work by August 2011. (Every social worker knows that time will fly by). I don't want to jinx myself by telling my hopeful plans just yet, but new and exciting adventures are on my horizon and if they fall through, I'll develop a new plan. I'm resilient like that. It's time for me to be a social worker on my terms and CPS work has been a definite growing experience for me. I know it's time for me to be happy... now... not five years from now. I love my families, but I do not love the "system". I might talk about the "system" later, but not tonight.  I will always serve families and children. I know that is my purpose... I just need to find the right fit and avenue that will allow me to have balance in my life. It's going to be exciting!


MariaG said...

Hello there! 'Nice to hear from you. 'Wishing you all the best in your new career path! 'Looking forward to hearing about it when your plan becomes a reality.

Leah W said...

that is exciting to be able to change jobs! i hope it goes well for you!

MariaG said...

'Thinking of you and wanting to wish you a happy and blessed Christmas.

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

And where ever you land after CPS social work, I'm confident that you will be GREAT!

confessions of a former foster child said...

Foster Child to Social worker, huh? That's really great! Being a former foster child I always felt like I would have been understood better if my social worker had a clue what it was like to go through what i experienced.