What's up?

Hi everyone! I've been home for almost a week sick with bronchitis and laryngitis. Funny how life slows you down sometimes. Maria(Canada), thank you for your comment. I never really "go anywhere". I look at this blog several times a month and think "why can't I blog". Then I give myself permission to ignore it. Ha. I've been giving myself permission to ignore myself all my life. I need the push so thanks!

So let's talk about why I'm not blogging. Um, because I'm scared. There I said it. I went too far into my story too fast and got scared. What exactly am I scared of? The vulnerable feeling I get that I spent forty years building a wall around.  Telling this story is like getting naked in front of people in the mall or something LoL.

I'm not really good at getting "nekkid". I had a good friend tell me once that I come off as a "hard" person, but that anyone who takes a little time to get to know me can see it's a cover. Ah, how many children do we see doing that? But I'm not a child. So when will I allow myself to be comfortable in my own skin. Will I ever trust or is that even necessary for finding "peace".

I have learned/recognized recently that I'm not content with my "all or nothing" approach to life. I am not able to do anything half way. I either give it everything I have or nothing at all. That includes housework, social work, parenting, friendships, relationships and of course, this blogging (obviously). I don't know how. I love my therapist. She promises me she's going to teach me to find some middle ground and how to find some peace of mind. I believe her too.

One decision I've made is to set a goal for myself to be out of CPS work by August 2011. (Every social worker knows that time will fly by). I don't want to jinx myself by telling my hopeful plans just yet, but new and exciting adventures are on my horizon and if they fall through, I'll develop a new plan. I'm resilient like that. It's time for me to be a social worker on my terms and CPS work has been a definite growing experience for me. I know it's time for me to be happy... now... not five years from now. I love my families, but I do not love the "system". I might talk about the "system" later, but not tonight.  I will always serve families and children. I know that is my purpose... I just need to find the right fit and avenue that will allow me to have balance in my life. It's going to be exciting!

Traditions

I love the weekends. Every Saturday morning I get up and let my dogs out to potty and stand on the back porch that my sweet husband built with his own hands and look at my back yard which extends about an acre or so back. A field lies beyond our yard so I'm not looking at someone else's life. I see birds and bunnies, wasps and bees. Our little pool which has been so much fun this summer. I have never been so grateful to be just able to live my life. Our little dogs (a Cocker Pug, a Cocker Jack Russell who looks like a hot dog, and a Boxer) bounce around to say good morning (one of them is just a sleepy little runt and stretches and yawns and looks like she couldn't care less that I want her to make some business). I feed our two cats, one geriatric and the other most definitely gay. I always laugh when my daughter has put a night shirt on him that has rhinestones on it. He loves to wear night clothes to sleep for some odd reason. I pull his night shirt off and give him a good scratch on his belly as he flops over on his back.

My husband is always up before me and waits for me to get up each weekend morning to make breakfast. He's been making weekend breakfast for 21 years for us (when he's in town) Sometimes pancakes or French toast. Today, bacon, sausage links, eggs, biscuits and gravy. He always pours milk in glasses and sets them in the freezer so they are extra cold for our meal. He's a morning person and usually only gets a sleepy smile from me until I've been up about an hour. We don't usually talk in the mornings. We just "be".

Our son comes in from his morning walk and declares he's not eating this crap  as he makes his way to the shower.  After awhile he is in the kitchen making a plate of biscuits and gravy while his dad teases that he'll have to walk ten miles to get that off.

I comment that it's awfully quiet without our daughter here who is pulling a shift at her job. She'll excitedly come in around noon with some treasure she found on clearance while she was working and proudly show everyone in the house what kind of steal she got.

Soon we all start talking about our week and what we want to do for the weekend... Chores get divided and  done so we can get on with the business of doing something fun. Next weekend we're planning to go to the International festival so we'll probably skip breakfast and just get ready to go to town.I've been taking my favorite former foster child there every year for the past five years. We'll sample lots of cuisine from other countries and talk about getting a Henna tattoo which none of ever end up getting. I love the predictability of my life. So sweet and so simple.

Hope all of you are enjoying your weekend traditions.

An appearance

Hi everyone, I'm wide open tonight. Drinking tomato juice and watching Big Brother After Dark. I'll probably have dark circles for the judge tomorrow, but that's okay cause it's Friday!!!

Anyway, I've gotten a second job. I'll be moonlighting as a hotel desk clerk. Sounds really fun to me. Not that I have a lot of extra time, but I do have a lot of extra bills. Having a lot of kidney stones can get expensive even with insurance!! But I'm soooooooooo thankful for Lithotripsy (or however it's spelled). I could have gotten a side job doing some social workey stuff, but I'm saturated with that so I thought NAH.

The weather has been beautiful here. We've been getting furloughed at work as a "budget balancing measure" so I had a four day weekend last week. Honey took off work too and we did a lot of yard work and house work and watched a whole season of Weeds. SO irreverent and so funny. I didn't even feel a minute of guilt LoL. I was proud of that.

Therapy is going amazingly well. I know that the reason I've stopped writing is because I'm a place in my writing were I had very difficult suicide attempt. I realize I'm not ready to talk about it and that's really okay. I was just 13, but what a powerful time in my life. I can't decide whether I should skip that part and pick up after that so I can keep writing or wait until I can write about it. I'm definitely open to votes. Skip and write or wait. (I reserve the right to make the final vote LoL).

So what else is going on? My son is in love. Love definitely looks good on him. He's cute. The sad thing is that I'm concerned about his girlfriend and her family. I don't think he chose to fall in love with her. I don't really know them, ... only by reputation and the jail website. Not good news. We've talked about the issues and tried to set some boundaries, but he will be 18 next May and I really don't want to force him to become "private" about his relationship with her. (I call it secretive, he prefers the word private Hahahaha).

I hope everyone is well and thank all of you who are following this blog. I see there are some new comers and hope this blog helps someone in some small way. You all are the best and have been SO good for me.
I'm gonna go see what some of you have been writing about and hope to hear from a bunch of you soon!!

Sleep tight Blogger Friends!!! Babs. 





 

Hmmm

I wonder why it is that when I feel like I could post and talk about the past when I only have about fifteen minutes before I need to leave or be somewhere? Then, when I have an hour or four... I'm sort of like... stuck. Like I don't know myself. But I do know myself.  Moments of clarity... a lifetime habit of ignoring.

Anyway, I have a flat tire and my honey is out of town. Thankfully, I have sweet co-workers willing to give me a lift into town. It's too hot to teach myself how to change a tire for real.

My mom's birthday is coming up on the 18th. Those are the times I wish I believed or believed more... or knew what I believed. It's so much less painful to just say I don't.  Playing with those ideas is like sticking my hand in scalding water.

It's days that I have flat tires, no money, and a whiny attitude that I want her. But not her... the her I wanted her to be. That I want her to be.

I want to whine and laugh and cry with her and see a smile or hear an exaggerated "I'm on my way".

I hope my kids feel like they have that.

Confession Time

Okay, so I started seeing a therapist. I thought I was just going to go and gripe about work. What social worker doesn't need an outlet? Of course, before the end of the session we'd already gotten to the heart of the matter... Mommy issues. I'm so transparent LoL. Anyway, I think it will be good for me, not to mention my friends. I never want to be that friend who uses every person in their life as a sounding board. I'd rather enjoy my relationships. It's amazing to me the effect she still has on me 19 years post death. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for going. I went through all the same bargaining dialog with myself that I imagine everyone else goes through... "I'm not crazy", "I got this", etc etc. and I DO "got this", but it's very nice to have someone to release all the things I'd like to talk about that I just wouldn't put on someone I care about.

In other news, we got a pool this summer. So much fun!! Great exercise, very relaxing. The heat has been unbearable this year and the pool is just a perfect cure. (except I get sea sick if I swim too long... I'm just a freak like that LoL)  We've been enjoying all the summer veggies our local farmers have grown, watching Big Brother (which is kind of boring this year) and getting ready for our son's Sr. year. Sr. pics were so funny. He's had that "Bond, James Bond" look in almost all of them. Oh! and I turned 40 this summer. What what!! Yes, I'm a grown up now. Thank you... thank you.. you can stop the applause now.

Tonight we're celebrating my daughter's best friend's birthday. She's such a sweetheart. I hope we can make it a very special day for her. Cake, presents and good food followed by the show "Pretty Little Liars". What could be better?

Hope everyone has a great day.

Life under control

Hi everyone!! I've been away forever it seems like! Caseload is back down to a managable 24 cases. Summer is beginning to wind down as school starts back in a little over a week. I've been taking a few summer classes to prep for grad school. I was thinking I'd go in August, but the ever procrastinating me is thinking maybe next year hahaah. I'm going to start posting again, but first I want to go read everyone's blogs. I've missed you guys bunches!!! Looks like I have some new emails too : )

Still alive LoL

My case load's off the hook right now. Attempted suicides w/ gun in front of kid, sexual abuse allegations, meth use,  etc etc all on different cases. On the brighter side, I get to give away two cases to get my case load to 27 and have about eight kids being adopted this summer which will get me down to about 21 or 22 cases. Going to pick up a netbook today so I can stop lugging this laptop everywhere!! Thankfully I recently discovered McDonald's Frappes. Now that's some good stuff. Good for me mentally anyway. I'm having withdrawals bc I'm so behind on blog reading and posting. I don't know what's going on with anyone! Hope everyone survived the floods in Ky/Tn areas! Will check back and post soon!

Nodes aka Weepuls

Amanda... These are "Nodes"... except this one has feet and stuff aka Weepuls as these are called. Nodes are just the eyes. All different colors. If anyone wants some Weepuls you can get then here.

Here are the type stickers used for "kisses. I stole this picture from Amazon :O

Clarifying and upcoming posts

My daughter (who is grown before I get another hate email - which you can stop sending by the way because you're stupid I just delete them) who reads this blog and knows me as well as anyone in my life... pointed out that I might want to clarify to the readers that although yes, I was sexually abused, I consider the majority of my "trauma" to have been inflicted by my mother who did NOT sexually abuse me.  So, now that I've said that out loud, I want to talk about why I've been so slow to post lately.

The next several years of posts are going to include disassociation aka splitting, lying, promiscuity, suicide attempts, eating disorders, and a lot of other really reactive behaviors that we see in children in foster care every day. I'm going to talk about them so that we can possibly have a little understanding and compassion for what abused children could be going through although I make no claims that every child is reacting the way I did or that I had every reaction that other children have had or have. Every person/child deals with their reality the best way they can with the coping skills they have developed.

Also...I do not use the word survivor to describe myself because I am no longer a victim. I am mentally healthy in today's life (to the best of my ability LoL) and I don't pretend that the past doesn't affect the way I view the world. That is true of every person. I also realize I talk a lot about being in spiritual conflict and crisis throughout this blog which has remained a final unresolved issue. I have received a few emails from some well-meaning, but narrow minded people who want to tell me that I'm going to hell if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Savior, so let me say this:

I love people (and sometimes I hate people). I love the variety of paths that people have lived and where that has led them. I love learning from them and developing new perspectives because they were able to articulate something in a way that made sense to me.  I love a lot of believing people, both Mormon and non-Mormon. My  issue is not with people as people... so don't make this about you or your religion or your personal relationship with God... and please... don't make it your personal goal to save me by telling me I'm going to hell. I climbed out of hell and my personal belief is that hell is created by people. I've found the  most loving of Christians are gentle with non-believers. I don't respond well to any other approach. And I'm really  not ready to deal with all that yet and I don't have to. I'm on my own timeline, living my own life at my own pace. If I get hit by  a bus tomorrow, I was still a good person despite other's criteria regarding my soul.

This is my journey. I cuss. It's not to offend, it's because I thought  I cuss word. I blog my reality... as I remember it.  It's not my intention to cause contention among believers. It may help you to understand the struggle of abused children as it relates to their conflict with religion and/or God, if you'll just take a deep breath. I think this is where some psychologist somewhere says "I'm okay, You're okay".

Amish Grace

Amish Grace is premiering on the Prozac Channel  Lifetime Movie Network tonight at 7 Central if anyone wants to watch it.

Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop

My good friend Social Wrkr 24/7 over at Eyes Opened Wider sent me an Easter Basket to help out the Children's Miracle Network.

Here’s all you need to do: HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES:

* Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.

* Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.

* Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.

* Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.

* Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).

* Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.

Simple enough right?

So check out these great blogs who I'm sending an Easter Basket to and let's help some babies along the way!

Meet The Meanest Mom , Jana, who writes about her journey raising four little ones. She seriously cracks me up.

And Dragon Li who is On the Path to Bliss , an excellent writer, who like most of us, is just trying to figure out who she is.

And finally, Ms. PennyWilliams who is sharing A Mom's View of ADHD.

Blog Roll

How come the new blogs I follow aren't jumping into my blog roll? Am I supposed to do something?

24/7 we're going to have to get together to sort them somehow too. I've found so many great blogs!!

In response to "A tough day"

Rebekah
Your Mom sounds like a wonderful lady  As for seeing so much, I think I’m pretty desensitized. I know that doesn’t sound like a good thing, but it can be.

Hi Paula *Waves* You know I feel like pinching people’s heads off all the time, but I at least have the common decency to do it behind their backs and behind their kids backs. It’s really hard to develop understanding and tolerance sometimes because of the really stupid things people do.

Snarkymom. Love your blog. You sound like me in my real life. I try not to put a lot of my real thoughts out there because I’m scared I’m going to alienate a lot of people (of course a few trusted people know that side of me) Lmao. Guess I should get the over that. I definitely didn’t say anything to the foster parent. I sent the R&C worker and my supervisor out there while I removed two children on another case being exposed to meth use. Yuck. And really it’s a good thing too because she had really pissed me off and I like to use the F word… a lot.. esp when I'm mad and that's just not professional. But I was honest with the little girl (on an age appropriate level, of course) and she was ecstatic to be moved which made things SO much easier in moving them. The baby is adjusting quickly too.

J, R&C found a wonderful placement for them in the same school district which made me SO incredibly happy. They are the sweetest kids.

Tara, I seriously KNOW that it’s hard. I struggle at least every other day not to snap someone’s head off because they have smart ass mouths, make stupid decisions and then blame everyone else. And the lying… Yeah, I really despise lying. I’m glad you are able to control yourself for the sake of your little ones especially when they are venting on their own. It’s be so easy to be like “Yeah, your mom really freakin' sucks”.

Hey Jodi, be glad you chose the other path hahaha. I tried to make sociology my minor, but the social work department and the sociology department wouldn’t accept the other one’s stats class and there was no WAY I was taking stats twice. I hated that class. LoL.

K…mom, this blog is the epitome of free therapy blogging. I was told today I’m getting a reputation. This is the fourth foster home I’ve caused to be shut down (and I've had a few others put on notice). I’m determined common sense is going to make a come back though LoL.

Hi Maggie, I totally agree it sucks. I’m glad the majority of my foster homes are fantastic or I’d really have to quit!

Hi Von, Welcome to my journey. I checked out some of your blogs which are really cool. I really liked the quote you had on one of you blogs that said "the lifelong dialogue between our mothers and ourselves transcends their deaths"

I’m probably gonna have to steal that if you don’t mind.
Anyway, I’d have to respectfully disagree that the other comments weren’t as sympathetic to the children’s plight as they were to my own. I think they're just trying to be supportive and I really need and appreciate that.

And yes, I agree the kids are having a rotten life, but I truly have so much hope for them. The little girl is sharp as a tack and very intuitive. She’s going to go very far in life. The little boy, such a doll… I’m very hopeful that their mom can turn things around too. She drives me nuts, yes, but she has potential and if she can’t turn it around, I’m confident in my own abilities to make good decisions to ensure they have what they need and deserve (ultimately it’s the judges decisions, but I write a pretty good court report)
I also completely agree that foster parents need and most would appreciate more training, but confidentiality is common sense and common courtesy.

24/7
I just wanted to say I was really proud of R&C on this one because I usually get a lot of shit from them when I point out problem areas with their foster parents. They get really defensive like I slapped them around or something. They didn’t really have a leg to stand on this time though did they?

Cross my heart

I read all your comments and am going to do some serious blogging/responding this weekend. Everyone raised some good points. And plus I checked out Snarky mom's blog for the five seconds I had this morning and I think she's my freakin sister. LoL. (But I think I have to work Saturday so it might be Sunday before I can get back here).

Update

Ended up moving the kids and closing down the home. The kids did great and I'm so glad we made the right decision. Did another removal too. I think there must be a full moon out. People have been off their rockers this week! Thanks for all the support :) Babs

A tough day

So I had to put my big girl britches on the last few days.

Eight months ago I got a particularly tough case where there was an infant and his seven year old sister placed in care due to the mother's drug use during pregnancy.

Let me first say that I don't think anyone sits down and thinks "Wow, I'd like to be a drug addict".

The mother simply doesn't have coping and good decision making skills.

The foster mother was new. Her first placement. I hope I can support her through the turmoil that is foster care.

On several occasions I asked her R&C worker to go on home visits with me so she would feel supported. (R&C is Recruitment and Certification for those not familiar with foster care lingo).

Foster mom and dad have a daughter of their own who is about five years older than the little girl.

The little girl has way too much knowledge for her age and is very intuitive.

Foster mom and mom clash. Well, to be honest I clash with mom too. Mental health issues can be difficult to navigate.

The tough part is that the little girl keeps telling mom, who tells me that the foster family is saying very degrading things about her mom in front of her, on the internet, to other people etc.

As the SW it's my job to address those issues. Of course, foster mom lied and said the child was making stuff up and manipulating. Okay.. maybe... I'm just letting you know that IF these things are going on, they shouldn't be.

Then I find out that not only is it true... (Shoulda blocked your Facebook), the family's real names, pictures and foster mom's true opinion is all over Facebook.

The child reported to me that she gets punished when her mother reports things to me because the foster mom says that "what happens in the foster home should stay in the foster home".

So, even though I rarely move kids. I hate moving kids, my supervisor says this is enough and I have to move them. And I agree this isn't a workable situation since I've addressed this about five times now.

I feel like I've failed these kids. I'm probably going to need to cry this one out. I did buy a few weeks to make one last ditch attempt to find some relatives. I have a few leads.

I completely understand the foster mom's frustration and feelings! But her feelings don't come before the child's feelings and needs.

It really doesn't matter if you think that the child's mom is crazy. The child loves her and should be free to do that without hearing snide remarks. Now, I have to move a child from the only home he's ever known and the mixture of heartbreak and anger are a disappointing wave we all will have to ride now. Ugg.

Open Adoption Interview Project - March 2010

I kept meaning to post that I was participating in a match and interview project about open adoptions hosted by Production, not Reproduction but I kept thinking Ooh, I'll get to that and of course, didn't. BIG props to Heather for putting this together. It's exciting  that over 65 people participated!! I can't wait to read them all and hope you do too.

I was matched with a very special woman named Jodi. I was really nervous at first because I am not adopted... not adopting or anything. Maybe adoptive parents wouldn't want to hear my perspective, but I am a social worker and I love to learn.

Jodi did more than teach me. She allowed me into her life and her heart. She has already adopted two beautiful children and she also received another placement during the time we were getting to know each other!! I'm so happy for her and her family and their families too! Jodi is living a Simple Perfect Life.

Jodi went above and beyond with two sick children and a newborn to answer my interview questions (which were pretty personal). Thank you so much Jodi for showing us some of the most selfless love I've ever encountered. Jodi welcomes her children's families in with open arms. She completely enjoys every new experience her kids have and wants to share that with their "first family". Adoptions I've worked with are generally involuntary on the part of the birth parents. They aren't allowed to see their children. It made me so happy to see another side of adoptions.  You're simply amazing!

1.How does open adoption work? 

There are probably a gazillion different perspectives of what open adoption is.  We worked with an adoption agency and had a profile in a book where expectant parents working with the agency would select profiles/families that interested them.  Generally there would be a "match meeting" where everyone would get together and have kind of like an interview or get together to see if the families feel like they would make a good match.  If you become a match, then usually there is a "cooperative agreement" that is created  with what the families agree to with openness in the adoption and the adoption process sometimes even including the birth process, doctor appts., what you agree to help with financially (the laws vary by state).  Our adoptions are fully disclosed--meaning, the birth family knows our complete names, where we live, (haha--that's funny to me because they come to our house for visits), our phone numbers, we "facebook" each other, email and call (well, at least we have each other's phone numbers. . . it doesn't work very well for me to make phone calls cause the kids are always noisy when I'm on the phone!)  Some adoptions just have the birth parent pick the family and they never meet and they don't know what state their baby goes to or last names and such. . . Each adoption is so unique to itself that all the finer details are always completely different--so it depends on what kind of ongoing contact throughout the child's life will be decided upon. 

2.Are you allowed to change your mind or is it a legal agreement?

 Not all states have what is called a "contact agreement", which is a legally binding agreement on what is decided upon in the adoption.  (ie, visits, photos, how many, when, etc.)  Even though it is legally binding--if it is broken, the adoption would not be overturned--and mediation is required before you could take the other party to court.  I think it is kind of a crock if there really are no serious repercussions to not following a legally binding agreement.  We do have contact agreements here in MN, but we do not have one with Jakob or Jada.  I am not sure if we will have one with Jenay.  It is usually up to the birthparent.  We have a cooperative agreement with Jakob's birthmom which we don't really follow (for the good) because she is just part of our family now.  We don't even have a cooperative agreement from Jada's birthmom.  She originally wanted a closed adoption and it "opened" fairly quickly starting with emails, then some visits.  I think both our birthmoms are pretty comfortable asking if they feel they want to see us, or want some more photos, or whatever. 

I think the most important thing is to not intentionally promise something for the purpose of getting a child when you rightly know you are not going to fulfill those promises.  Open communication is so very important.  If somebody is uncomfortable with something or the situation changes then you need to at least communicate that rather than ignore the person or "close" the adoption.  

 3.What are some of the pros and cons of having an open adoption? 

I seriously can't think of any cons of having an open adoption.  I am not saying that things are always easy, or not exhausting, but we sacrifice because this is what we have accepted as our family.  Any parent would do anything for their child and this is what we choose for ours.  There were many ups and downs during the first year of our first adoption.  We were not really understanding what Kaiti was going through and we were all in uncharted territory.  Lots of uncomfortable situations--that seriously would not be uncomfortable now that we've been through it all! haha!  (Like her graduation open house and meeting all of her relatives--we were very very nervous!)  All that unsolicited advice, again, from people who have no business even thinking they have the first clue about adoption.  People telling us she shouldn't be coming over to our house or that we saw her too much.  Our kids are awesome and they wouldn't be our kids without their birthmoms choosing us to be their parents.  I think I put this in another answer, but you should see our kids when they are with their birthmoms.  It is amazing! 

Our kids get to know their stories.  They get to see who they look like.  They get to be loved by more people.  They get to ask their questions in the future and get first had answers.  We get to face all the difficult times together.  There are so many emotional layers to adoption--aspects on all sides--and by coming together and being open, honest and respectful, we can at least face the emotional hardships (and happy stuff too!) with love, support, honesty and respect.   

4. How open is open? Does that degree of openness vary from situation to situation or is it pretty much the same for all parties involved? 

Openness in adoption is what makes every "open" adoption unique.  Generally, the chosen "adoptive" parents and the people involved with the birth family side sit down and decide what kind of openness they all agree upon for their adoption plan.  That could mean photos, emails, letters, visits, whatever they agree upon.  Some families may not exchange full names, addresses or phone numbers.  Their communication may continue through the agency or attorney that facilitated the adoption.  All of our birthmothers know where we live and we usually have visits at our house.  The kids are comfortable and I know it is child proof and quite honestly--it is the easiest.  Anyone who thinks you can have a truly quality visit in a restaurant with young children is fooling themselves.  The birth family gets to see their child in their home, their room, their place of comfort where their true personality (and tantrums) come out.  They have our phone number, email and we are on facebook together too.  It is a great way to share photos and updates and quick notes.  We have a cooperative agreement with Jakob's birthmom (which we hardly follow).  Kaiti has been super helpful and been available to watch our kids when we needed help.  I think we try to get together around once a month, sometimes more or less, depending on our schedules.  We have nothing written up with Jada's birthmom.  She currently lives out of state and when she comes home to visit she just calls us and we get together.  We email on facebook too.  I wish she lived closer, but facebook helps it feel like she lives here.  We don't have any agreement written yet with Jenay's birthmom, but it will be open.  We will be meeting her mother in the near future and have plans for her to visit us at home too.  It is my dream to have them all over at the same time someday.  They haven't met in person yet. . . but Jakob and Jada's birthmothers are "facebook" friends.  They are all a part of our family.  They are a part of our hearts and souls, the reason we are who we are today.  So, I will do whatever it takes to keep them involved in our lives. 

 5. Do you or your husband ever get jealous?

I think there was a time when my husband worried about our son not wanting to spend Christmas with us when he was an adult and choosing to spend it with his birthfamily instead and felt a pang on his heart.  And then I said why wouldn't we be able to arrange something to spend it all together?  In all honesty, it makes me cry good happy tears to see my children love their birthmoms.  There comes a time when we need to let go of our children and let them make their own decisions and spend time with whom ever they choose.  They are not possessions.  I never want them to feel like they are letting us down for wanting to love their birth families--or anyone else for that matter.  I don't want to hold them back from anything. 

6. Is there an open arrangement with just the birth mother, or is the father and extended family involved too?

All of our adoptions are just open with the birthmoms.  We have a family relationship with Jakob's birthmom and her family.  We know her boyfriend, periodically meet some of her friends and have met some relatives too.  We know who his birthdad is but have no contact at this time.  We have a relationship with Jada's birthmom and have met her birth grandmother a couple of times.  We know her birthdad's first name and a bit of his story, but have no contact with him at this time.  We will have an open relationship with Jenay's birthmom and are meeting her mother sometime in the near future.  We may or may not ever know whom her birthdad is and most likely will never have contact with him.  Of course, things are ever evolving so relationships may change as we all change, grow and mature.  We may meet more family members in the future--who knows!

7 Do you worry that the birth family will try to tell you how to raise your children or undermine your parental role?

 No, we do not worry about this.  Our birth families have been very supportive in our roles as parents.  I know that I am very over protective and cautious as a parent.  It shows--in very obvious ways.  It was more obvious when we just had one child.  I'm sure they have all thought I am kind of weird with my ways at some point! haha!  No different than my own biological family--only my biological family has no reserves about voicing their opinions! haha!  If people really know me, for me, they know that I will listen respectfully--and then just do things my way anyway! :0)

It is really amazing how much unsolicited advice finds it's way into our lives--in anyone's lives--when it comes time to parenting.  I, personally, have felt a lot of internal pressures as an adoptive parent.  Hoping that I can live up to not only my own expectations as a parent, but the expectations of our birth families.  I want to make all their hopes and dreams come true too--for their child that they entrusted to us.  We are certainly not perfect, either, so if things are not going the way you envisioned, we are always carrying the extra pressure of letting our birthmoms and their families down.  We have learned along this journey, that we cannot worry about things we have no control over--it will eat you up.  We cannot worry about something that "may or may not" happen in the future.  We can only educate, communicate, and prepare ourselves for the unknowns.  We have to support each other.  We have to "walk by faith, even when I cannot see" (Jeremy Camp).  And that is why our faith is important and strong and necessary in our lives. 

8. Do you ever feel intruded on by having an open adoption? Any regrets?

 I definitely do not feel intruded upon with an open adoption.  There were a couple of times in the very beginning that we had some unexpected visits with Jakob's birthmom stopping over unannounced--completely innocent, but I guess it only was kind of pushing it because we were so tired but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by asking to end the visit at a reasonable time.  Now that I see things from a whole picture rather than from a cloudy over tired mind, I cherish the unplanned and unexpected.  You just don't know what life may bring!

I think most of the intrusions come when complete strangers walk up to us and ask us if our kids are adopted and where from--without any respect that maybe it is a sensitive subject for our children.  We do love to share our stories, but we know that at some point, it will be up to our children what is openly shared with strangers who ask silly questions out in public.  (Well, they are not silly, but sometimes I just want to say DUH!).  Once somebody asked if Jada was adopted and my hubby said, "no, we just forgot to put sunscreen on her." 

I think my only regret is not starting the process sooner.  I do believe that it is all in God's timing, but had we started sooner. . . we would have most likely adopted more!  The cost was so intimidating when we initially pursued adoption that we held off for awhile thinking we couldn't afford it.  Who knew what giving up a few "finer" things in life would bring us!

9. How do you think having and open adoption vs. a closed adoption affects your children?Do you think it will be confusing for them in the long run?

I think keeping things a secret and creating the opportunity for our children to create that "fantasy" is far more confusing  than having an honest open adoption.  There are some tricky things that we will have to face in the future as far as when to share age appropriate truths, but far better than a fantasy.  If only all of you could see our children with their birthmom's--you would get it.  The light in their eyes, the laughter, the happiness that comes when we get together.  I'm sure there will be more difficult days and questions, but we hope they know they can love their birth families as much as we love them.  I like to explain it to people like this~Jesus has enough love to go around for everyone that wants to accept his love--even enough for those who don't want to accept his love, so there is no reason we can't love like Jesus and have more people in our lives to love and be loved. 

I also feel like I know my children better because I know their birthmoms and some of their birth families.  I see their personalities, their looks, their mannerisms, all in my children.  If I look at how much I love this. . . then I can see how much more it will mean to my children.  How neat it will be to have somebody to share those things with on a personal level. 

Anxiety

I hope all my Christian friends can bare with me for a few minutes, but there is nothing in life that brings me more anxiety than the Mormons coming to my house... unannounced and uninvited.

They just left. This time they brought the former bishop with them. We were playing Wii (before Survivor and Greys come on) because we needed to destress from the day for awhile.

The mere half an hour they were here filled me with almost a panic.

Why do they keep coming here? UGGGGG.

Yes, please come on over on a work night when we're all in our boxers and tank tops playing Wii (Thursday night is sandwich night before some hater talks about how I need to be tending my grown children). Thursday is our favorite day... great TV, the weekend is just a day away. LOVE Thursdays!

Ahhh and thank you to my children who scattered like roaches. Chickens. LoL

And Amanda... Thank you for encouraging me to keep posting. I plan to post more this weekend.

Good Morning Beautiful Sunshiney Weekend!!!

I can't believe you are you there Mr. Sun! I've been waiting for you for ever so long. I'm going to a babyshower and to do two home visits today. Please don't run away when I go outside. I've missed you so!

Time for a Round Robin!

I love games and so do my "kids". I found an amazing teacher's blog  here with LOADS of free resources, games for autistic children and links to everything and anything you can imagine. One of my favorites to use if I have a child in my office is this simple sequencing site found at Jacob's lessons.  I've never met a child who didn't love to play on my computer LoL.

Let's see how many of your favorite resource sites we can list and compile. Take the link and add it to your own  blog along with your favorite resource link. (Post it here as well so we can share what resources we're using for those long days and bonding exercises!!)

I haven't figured out the sorting blogs and links in my side bar yet, but I'll try to do some google learning this weekend.