Life was full on new things to adjust to in our new town. There were lots of people and living in the "city" made me feel small. I had never been in a mall which I found to be overstimulating and overwhelming. The new ward we were in was also vastly different. No longer was I sitting in a small one room church with all the blue haired ladies, but was now surrounded by large young families with lots of children and loads of church activities. I started going to Relief Society on Wednesday nights with my mom and sister. There were many Sunday school rooms and a large Chapel. It kind of reminded me of the Ward we attended in Missouri.
There were church youth dances and the young boys were obtaining their Priesthood holdings.
Boys become Deacons when they are 12 and at that point are "over" their mothers in their homes because they hold the Power and Authority of God.
(Here is the hierarchy and privileges of the Priesthood holdings in the LDS Church if you're interested. I won't bore you with the details).
Now older members of the Church may be able to "explain" the reasoning behind this, but 12 year old boys do not have the maturity to handle holding the responsibility of acting on God's behalf without a little ego of their own in there. Which.rubbed.me.the.wrong.way.
In Sunday school I would ask the tough questions because I was simply fed up.
WHY can't girls hold the Priesthood?
"Because you are a Daughter of Eve and have the honor, privilege and responsibility to bring spirit children to this earth who are waiting for a body. Boys can't do that".
Well... WHY can't girls get into heaven unless their sealed in the Temple and their husband "pulls them through"?
"It's time for the hymn, maybe you should talk with the Bishop".
I smugly know your ass doesn't want to talk about it and I really don't care about the dozens of eyes burning into me because I'm asking. I know, I know... When the prophet has spoken, the thinking has been done.
I feel sorry for my mom because she is single with two children in a Church that says she will not get into the highest heaven without a worthy priesthood holder dragging her up there. (Plus she said she's so sick she has to try pot to feel better. I had to laugh at her lame attempt to tell me she was just "trying" pot). She's basically busting her ass and my chops for nothing.
I'm confused about why I, as a 12 year old girl, can think enough to question religion and the existence of God when fully grown college educated men and women sitting in the pew beside me just accept without question. Faith means nothing to me. Where has God been? When my mother makes comments like, "We need to pray because I can't find my keys" and "The Lord has blessed us" I wonder what the hell is wrong with her. She seems so smart. I silently berate myself because I'm apparently not worthy to know God's presence (sounds a lot like my mother's own voice now that I think about it). I resolve myself to live the teachings of the Church so that God will find me.
I recall my grandmother telling me she believed in God because Jesus sat at the foot of her bed during a terrible crisis in her life. To this day it is the single comment that causes me to continue to struggle. My grandmother never lied to me and if not for hearing her words of conviction I would be done with discussions of God for good.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Amish Grace
Amish Grace is premiering on the Prozac Channel Lifetime Movie Network tonight at 7 Central if anyone wants to watch it.
A hypocrite
Now that we had moved and another summer began... life was very different.
Mom got a job in another town and was gone during the day. A grocery, doctor, Laundromat and our elementary school was within walking distance of our apartment. My sister and I often slept in and then walked to the school for the sack lunch provided by the school's summer lunch program. We sat under a tree and I often let my sister play for awhile after we ate. I usually saved the fruit from lunch in case I was grounded to my room for the evening. I felt grown and very adult like that I was responsible to taking care of my sister and took full bossy advantage of that. I often cheated on my chores and made her do part of them and broke all the contamination rules for the ones I did do.
We began attending a new ward at Church. There were some "mean girls" in the new ward. Many of the families were very large and there was an on-going competition to see who was the most temple worthy. I didn't make myself any friends correcting doctrine that was being taught wrong in Sunday school. Apparently not every child is read to from the Journal of Discourses.
I always had the chores done before mom came home in the evening and on Saturdays carried the laundry about a block away to the laundry mat. My mom went the first few times to show me how to bleach out the washer before using it. How to wipe out the laundry baskets during the wash cycle so that I didn't contaminate the clothing. Each week I was given a roll of quarters and most of the time told to carry the laundry down. Sometimes it would take several trips, but there was no more hanging clothes on the line. Sometimes I would put some of the quarters in the Pacman arcade game and pray while I was playing that my mom wouldn't "check in" on me. I cherished moments away from her. Freedom that wasn't really free.
We fell into a routine of chores and church in our new community. Sometimes we would go outside and get to know the neighborhood kids. None of them too savory. My mom made a new friend, Donna. Donna had an edge to her. She didn't play by life's rules and I liked that. She was blunt and to the point. Shit didn't get to her much and she just dealt with whatever needed to be dealt with and moved on. She sometimes stayed all night and I soon learned she had cancer. A shame really.
Days went by and routine set in. Donna convinced my mom to lighten up the reigns on us a little bit and told her to let us go outside and "play". I remember smiling as I heard Donna say "What the hell", putting my mom on the spot. My mom and Donna bonded. I think maybe because they both took a lot of medicine. Mom said she had Rheumatoid arthritis and took her pain medicine and "Gold" shots. Donna took pain medicine for the cancer. I had decided my mom was a hypochondriac and her "illnesses" were an excuse to make me do everything while she took pills and naps. I tried to be good and wrestled with my relationship with my mom during the day and God at night.
My understanding of my mom changed on a late night when thirst brought me out of my room while Donna was sleeping over. I snuck across the hall and put my lips under the bathroom faucet for a cool drink of water. I listened to my mom and Donna whispering and giggling at the kitchen table and took in the smell of something funny. A smell that was familiar in the air of our neighborhood. My mind was spinning. No way. My mom still smoked cigarettes then even though it was her last barrier to being given a temple recommend. But this wasn't cigarettes. I snuck down the hall and as I approached the end of the hall, made a surprise appearance and announcement that I needed a drink. I glanced at the glass bowl contraption filled with smoke as my ears rang with mom's controlled voice telling me to go back to my room. The one that said she meant business.
So mom was smoking pot. I laid in my room and tried to make sense of it all. Nothing made sense.
Mom got a job in another town and was gone during the day. A grocery, doctor, Laundromat and our elementary school was within walking distance of our apartment. My sister and I often slept in and then walked to the school for the sack lunch provided by the school's summer lunch program. We sat under a tree and I often let my sister play for awhile after we ate. I usually saved the fruit from lunch in case I was grounded to my room for the evening. I felt grown and very adult like that I was responsible to taking care of my sister and took full bossy advantage of that. I often cheated on my chores and made her do part of them and broke all the contamination rules for the ones I did do.
We began attending a new ward at Church. There were some "mean girls" in the new ward. Many of the families were very large and there was an on-going competition to see who was the most temple worthy. I didn't make myself any friends correcting doctrine that was being taught wrong in Sunday school. Apparently not every child is read to from the Journal of Discourses.
I always had the chores done before mom came home in the evening and on Saturdays carried the laundry about a block away to the laundry mat. My mom went the first few times to show me how to bleach out the washer before using it. How to wipe out the laundry baskets during the wash cycle so that I didn't contaminate the clothing. Each week I was given a roll of quarters and most of the time told to carry the laundry down. Sometimes it would take several trips, but there was no more hanging clothes on the line. Sometimes I would put some of the quarters in the Pacman arcade game and pray while I was playing that my mom wouldn't "check in" on me. I cherished moments away from her. Freedom that wasn't really free.
We fell into a routine of chores and church in our new community. Sometimes we would go outside and get to know the neighborhood kids. None of them too savory. My mom made a new friend, Donna. Donna had an edge to her. She didn't play by life's rules and I liked that. She was blunt and to the point. Shit didn't get to her much and she just dealt with whatever needed to be dealt with and moved on. She sometimes stayed all night and I soon learned she had cancer. A shame really.
Days went by and routine set in. Donna convinced my mom to lighten up the reigns on us a little bit and told her to let us go outside and "play". I remember smiling as I heard Donna say "What the hell", putting my mom on the spot. My mom and Donna bonded. I think maybe because they both took a lot of medicine. Mom said she had Rheumatoid arthritis and took her pain medicine and "Gold" shots. Donna took pain medicine for the cancer. I had decided my mom was a hypochondriac and her "illnesses" were an excuse to make me do everything while she took pills and naps. I tried to be good and wrestled with my relationship with my mom during the day and God at night.
My understanding of my mom changed on a late night when thirst brought me out of my room while Donna was sleeping over. I snuck across the hall and put my lips under the bathroom faucet for a cool drink of water. I listened to my mom and Donna whispering and giggling at the kitchen table and took in the smell of something funny. A smell that was familiar in the air of our neighborhood. My mind was spinning. No way. My mom still smoked cigarettes then even though it was her last barrier to being given a temple recommend. But this wasn't cigarettes. I snuck down the hall and as I approached the end of the hall, made a surprise appearance and announcement that I needed a drink. I glanced at the glass bowl contraption filled with smoke as my ears rang with mom's controlled voice telling me to go back to my room. The one that said she meant business.
So mom was smoking pot. I laid in my room and tried to make sense of it all. Nothing made sense.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Hershey's Better Basket Blog Hop
My good friend Social Wrkr 24/7 over at Eyes Opened Wider sent me an Easter Basket to help out the Children's Miracle Network.
Here’s all you need to do: HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES:
* Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
* Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
* Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
* Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
* Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
* Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.
Simple enough right?
So check out these great blogs who I'm sending an Easter Basket to and let's help some babies along the way!
Meet The Meanest Mom , Jana, who writes about her journey raising four little ones. She seriously cracks me up.
And Dragon Li who is On the Path to Bliss , an excellent writer, who like most of us, is just trying to figure out who she is.
And finally, Ms. PennyWilliams who is sharing A Mom's View of ADHD.
Here’s all you need to do: HERSHEY’S BETTER BASKET BLOG HOP RULES:
* Create a blog post giving a virtual Easter Basket to another blogger – you can give as many Virtual Baskets as you want.
* Link back to person who gave you an Easter Basket.
* Let each person you are giving a Virtual Easter Basket know you have given them a Basket.
* Leave your link at BetterBasket.info/BlogHop comment section. You can also find the official rules of this #betterbasket blog hop, and more information about Better Basket with Hershey’s there.
* Hershey’s is donating $10 per each blog participating to the Better Basket Blog Hop to Children’s Miracle Network (up to total of $5,000 by blog posts written by April 4th, 2010).
* Please note that only one blog post by each blog url will count towards the donation.
Simple enough right?
So check out these great blogs who I'm sending an Easter Basket to and let's help some babies along the way!
Meet The Meanest Mom , Jana, who writes about her journey raising four little ones. She seriously cracks me up.
And Dragon Li who is On the Path to Bliss , an excellent writer, who like most of us, is just trying to figure out who she is.
And finally, Ms. PennyWilliams who is sharing A Mom's View of ADHD.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Blog Roll
How come the new blogs I follow aren't jumping into my blog roll? Am I supposed to do something?
24/7 we're going to have to get together to sort them somehow too. I've found so many great blogs!!
24/7 we're going to have to get together to sort them somehow too. I've found so many great blogs!!
In response to "A tough day"
Rebekah
Your Mom sounds like a wonderful lady As for seeing so much, I think I’m pretty desensitized. I know that doesn’t sound like a good thing, but it can be.
Hi Paula *Waves* You know I feel like pinching people’s heads off all the time, but I at least have the common decency to do it behind their backs and behind their kids backs. It’s really hard to develop understanding and tolerance sometimes because of the really stupid things people do.
Snarkymom. Love your blog. You sound like me in my real life. I try not to put a lot of my real thoughts out there because I’m scared I’m going to alienate a lot of people (of course a few trusted people know that side of me) Lmao. Guess I should get the over that. I definitely didn’t say anything to the foster parent. I sent the R&C worker and my supervisor out there while I removed two children on another case being exposed to meth use. Yuck. And really it’s a good thing too because she had really pissed me off and I like to use the F word… a lot.. esp when I'm mad and that's just not professional. But I was honest with the little girl (on an age appropriate level, of course) and she was ecstatic to be moved which made things SO much easier in moving them. The baby is adjusting quickly too.
J, R&C found a wonderful placement for them in the same school district which made me SO incredibly happy. They are the sweetest kids.
Tara, I seriously KNOW that it’s hard. I struggle at least every other day not to snap someone’s head off because they have smart ass mouths, make stupid decisions and then blame everyone else. And the lying… Yeah, I really despise lying. I’m glad you are able to control yourself for the sake of your little ones especially when they are venting on their own. It’s be so easy to be like “Yeah, your mom really freakin' sucks”.
Hey Jodi, be glad you chose the other path hahaha. I tried to make sociology my minor, but the social work department and the sociology department wouldn’t accept the other one’s stats class and there was no WAY I was taking stats twice. I hated that class. LoL.
K…mom, this blog is the epitome of free therapy blogging. I was told today I’m getting a reputation. This is the fourth foster home I’ve caused to be shut down (and I've had a few others put on notice). I’m determined common sense is going to make a come back though LoL.
Hi Maggie, I totally agree it sucks. I’m glad the majority of my foster homes are fantastic or I’d really have to quit!
Hi Von, Welcome to my journey. I checked out some of your blogs which are really cool. I really liked the quote you had on one of you blogs that said "the lifelong dialogue between our mothers and ourselves transcends their deaths"
I’m probably gonna have to steal that if you don’t mind.
Anyway, I’d have to respectfully disagree that the other comments weren’t as sympathetic to the children’s plight as they were to my own. I think they're just trying to be supportive and I really need and appreciate that.
And yes, I agree the kids are having a rotten life, but I truly have so much hope for them. The little girl is sharp as a tack and very intuitive. She’s going to go very far in life. The little boy, such a doll… I’m very hopeful that their mom can turn things around too. She drives me nuts, yes, but she has potential and if she can’t turn it around, I’m confident in my own abilities to make good decisions to ensure they have what they need and deserve (ultimately it’s the judges decisions, but I write a pretty good court report)
I also completely agree that foster parents need and most would appreciate more training, but confidentiality is common sense and common courtesy.
24/7
I just wanted to say I was really proud of R&C on this one because I usually get a lot of shit from them when I point out problem areas with their foster parents. They get really defensive like I slapped them around or something. They didn’t really have a leg to stand on this time though did they?
Your Mom sounds like a wonderful lady As for seeing so much, I think I’m pretty desensitized. I know that doesn’t sound like a good thing, but it can be.
Hi Paula *Waves* You know I feel like pinching people’s heads off all the time, but I at least have the common decency to do it behind their backs and behind their kids backs. It’s really hard to develop understanding and tolerance sometimes because of the really stupid things people do.
Snarkymom. Love your blog. You sound like me in my real life. I try not to put a lot of my real thoughts out there because I’m scared I’m going to alienate a lot of people (of course a few trusted people know that side of me) Lmao. Guess I should get the over that. I definitely didn’t say anything to the foster parent. I sent the R&C worker and my supervisor out there while I removed two children on another case being exposed to meth use. Yuck. And really it’s a good thing too because she had really pissed me off and I like to use the F word… a lot.. esp when I'm mad and that's just not professional. But I was honest with the little girl (on an age appropriate level, of course) and she was ecstatic to be moved which made things SO much easier in moving them. The baby is adjusting quickly too.
J, R&C found a wonderful placement for them in the same school district which made me SO incredibly happy. They are the sweetest kids.
Tara, I seriously KNOW that it’s hard. I struggle at least every other day not to snap someone’s head off because they have smart ass mouths, make stupid decisions and then blame everyone else. And the lying… Yeah, I really despise lying. I’m glad you are able to control yourself for the sake of your little ones especially when they are venting on their own. It’s be so easy to be like “Yeah, your mom really freakin' sucks”.
Hey Jodi, be glad you chose the other path hahaha. I tried to make sociology my minor, but the social work department and the sociology department wouldn’t accept the other one’s stats class and there was no WAY I was taking stats twice. I hated that class. LoL.
K…mom, this blog is the epitome of free therapy blogging. I was told today I’m getting a reputation. This is the fourth foster home I’ve caused to be shut down (and I've had a few others put on notice). I’m determined common sense is going to make a come back though LoL.
Hi Maggie, I totally agree it sucks. I’m glad the majority of my foster homes are fantastic or I’d really have to quit!
Hi Von, Welcome to my journey. I checked out some of your blogs which are really cool. I really liked the quote you had on one of you blogs that said "the lifelong dialogue between our mothers and ourselves transcends their deaths"
I’m probably gonna have to steal that if you don’t mind.
Anyway, I’d have to respectfully disagree that the other comments weren’t as sympathetic to the children’s plight as they were to my own. I think they're just trying to be supportive and I really need and appreciate that.
And yes, I agree the kids are having a rotten life, but I truly have so much hope for them. The little girl is sharp as a tack and very intuitive. She’s going to go very far in life. The little boy, such a doll… I’m very hopeful that their mom can turn things around too. She drives me nuts, yes, but she has potential and if she can’t turn it around, I’m confident in my own abilities to make good decisions to ensure they have what they need and deserve (ultimately it’s the judges decisions, but I write a pretty good court report)
I also completely agree that foster parents need and most would appreciate more training, but confidentiality is common sense and common courtesy.
24/7
I just wanted to say I was really proud of R&C on this one because I usually get a lot of shit from them when I point out problem areas with their foster parents. They get really defensive like I slapped them around or something. They didn’t really have a leg to stand on this time though did they?
Cross my heart
I read all your comments and am going to do some serious blogging/responding this weekend. Everyone raised some good points. And plus I checked out Snarky mom's blog for the five seconds I had this morning and I think she's my freakin sister. LoL. (But I think I have to work Saturday so it might be Sunday before I can get back here).
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Update
Ended up moving the kids and closing down the home. The kids did great and I'm so glad we made the right decision. Did another removal too. I think there must be a full moon out. People have been off their rockers this week! Thanks for all the support :) Babs
A tough day
So I had to put my big girl britches on the last few days.
Eight months ago I got a particularly tough case where there was an infant and his seven year old sister placed in care due to the mother's drug use during pregnancy.
Let me first say that I don't think anyone sits down and thinks "Wow, I'd like to be a drug addict".
The mother simply doesn't have coping and good decision making skills.
The foster mother was new. Her first placement. I hope I can support her through the turmoil that is foster care.
On several occasions I asked her R&C worker to go on home visits with me so she would feel supported. (R&C is Recruitment and Certification for those not familiar with foster care lingo).
Foster mom and dad have a daughter of their own who is about five years older than the little girl.
The little girl has way too much knowledge for her age and is very intuitive.
Foster mom and mom clash. Well, to be honest I clash with mom too. Mental health issues can be difficult to navigate.
The tough part is that the little girl keeps telling mom, who tells me that the foster family is saying very degrading things about her mom in front of her, on the internet, to other people etc.
As the SW it's my job to address those issues. Of course, foster mom lied and said the child was making stuff up and manipulating. Okay.. maybe... I'm just letting you know that IF these things are going on, they shouldn't be.
Then I find out that not only is it true... (Shoulda blocked your Facebook), the family's real names, pictures and foster mom's true opinion is all over Facebook.
The child reported to me that she gets punished when her mother reports things to me because the foster mom says that "what happens in the foster home should stay in the foster home".
So, even though I rarely move kids. I hate moving kids, my supervisor says this is enough and I have to move them. And I agree this isn't a workable situation since I've addressed this about five times now.
I feel like I've failed these kids. I'm probably going to need to cry this one out. I did buy a few weeks to make one last ditch attempt to find some relatives. I have a few leads.
I completely understand the foster mom's frustration and feelings! But her feelings don't come before the child's feelings and needs.
It really doesn't matter if you think that the child's mom is crazy. The child loves her and should be free to do that without hearing snide remarks. Now, I have to move a child from the only home he's ever known and the mixture of heartbreak and anger are a disappointing wave we all will have to ride now. Ugg.
Eight months ago I got a particularly tough case where there was an infant and his seven year old sister placed in care due to the mother's drug use during pregnancy.
Let me first say that I don't think anyone sits down and thinks "Wow, I'd like to be a drug addict".
The mother simply doesn't have coping and good decision making skills.
The foster mother was new. Her first placement. I hope I can support her through the turmoil that is foster care.
On several occasions I asked her R&C worker to go on home visits with me so she would feel supported. (R&C is Recruitment and Certification for those not familiar with foster care lingo).
Foster mom and dad have a daughter of their own who is about five years older than the little girl.
The little girl has way too much knowledge for her age and is very intuitive.
Foster mom and mom clash. Well, to be honest I clash with mom too. Mental health issues can be difficult to navigate.
The tough part is that the little girl keeps telling mom, who tells me that the foster family is saying very degrading things about her mom in front of her, on the internet, to other people etc.
As the SW it's my job to address those issues. Of course, foster mom lied and said the child was making stuff up and manipulating. Okay.. maybe... I'm just letting you know that IF these things are going on, they shouldn't be.
Then I find out that not only is it true... (Shoulda blocked your Facebook), the family's real names, pictures and foster mom's true opinion is all over Facebook.
The child reported to me that she gets punished when her mother reports things to me because the foster mom says that "what happens in the foster home should stay in the foster home".
So, even though I rarely move kids. I hate moving kids, my supervisor says this is enough and I have to move them. And I agree this isn't a workable situation since I've addressed this about five times now.
I feel like I've failed these kids. I'm probably going to need to cry this one out. I did buy a few weeks to make one last ditch attempt to find some relatives. I have a few leads.
I completely understand the foster mom's frustration and feelings! But her feelings don't come before the child's feelings and needs.
It really doesn't matter if you think that the child's mom is crazy. The child loves her and should be free to do that without hearing snide remarks. Now, I have to move a child from the only home he's ever known and the mixture of heartbreak and anger are a disappointing wave we all will have to ride now. Ugg.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Open Adoption Interview Project - March 2010
I kept meaning to post that I was participating in a match and interview project about open adoptions hosted by Production, not Reproduction but I kept thinking Ooh, I'll get to that and of course, didn't. BIG props to Heather for putting this together. It's exciting that over 65 people participated!! I can't wait to read them all and hope you do too.
I was matched with a very special woman named Jodi. I was really nervous at first because I am not adopted... not adopting or anything. Maybe adoptive parents wouldn't want to hear my perspective, but I am a social worker and I love to learn.
Jodi did more than teach me. She allowed me into her life and her heart. She has already adopted two beautiful children and she also received another placement during the time we were getting to know each other!! I'm so happy for her and her family and their families too! Jodi is living a Simple Perfect Life.
Jodi went above and beyond with two sick children and a newborn to answer my interview questions (which were pretty personal). Thank you so much Jodi for showing us some of the most selfless love I've ever encountered. Jodi welcomes her children's families in with open arms. She completely enjoys every new experience her kids have and wants to share that with their "first family". Adoptions I've worked with are generally involuntary on the part of the birth parents. They aren't allowed to see their children. It made me so happy to see another side of adoptions. You're simply amazing!
I think there was a time when my husband worried about our son not wanting to spend Christmas with us when he was an adult and choosing to spend it with his birthfamily instead and felt a pang on his heart. And then I said why wouldn't we be able to arrange something to spend it all together? In all honesty, it makes me cry good happy tears to see my children love their birthmoms. There comes a time when we need to let go of our children and let them make their own decisions and spend time with whom ever they choose. They are not possessions. I never want them to feel like they are letting us down for wanting to love their birth families--or anyone else for that matter. I don't want to hold them back from anything.
I was matched with a very special woman named Jodi. I was really nervous at first because I am not adopted... not adopting or anything. Maybe adoptive parents wouldn't want to hear my perspective, but I am a social worker and I love to learn.
Jodi did more than teach me. She allowed me into her life and her heart. She has already adopted two beautiful children and she also received another placement during the time we were getting to know each other!! I'm so happy for her and her family and their families too! Jodi is living a Simple Perfect Life.
Jodi went above and beyond with two sick children and a newborn to answer my interview questions (which were pretty personal). Thank you so much Jodi for showing us some of the most selfless love I've ever encountered. Jodi welcomes her children's families in with open arms. She completely enjoys every new experience her kids have and wants to share that with their "first family". Adoptions I've worked with are generally involuntary on the part of the birth parents. They aren't allowed to see their children. It made me so happy to see another side of adoptions. You're simply amazing!
1.How does open adoption work?
There are probably a gazillion different perspectives of what open adoption is. We worked with an adoption agency and had a profile in a book where expectant parents working with the agency would select profiles/families that interested them. Generally there would be a "match meeting" where everyone would get together and have kind of like an interview or get together to see if the families feel like they would make a good match. If you become a match, then usually there is a "cooperative agreement" that is created with what the families agree to with openness in the adoption and the adoption process sometimes even including the birth process, doctor appts., what you agree to help with financially (the laws vary by state). Our adoptions are fully disclosed--meaning, the birth family knows our complete names, where we live, (haha--that's funny to me because they come to our house for visits), our phone numbers, we "facebook" each other, email and call (well, at least we have each other's phone numbers. . . it doesn't work very well for me to make phone calls cause the kids are always noisy when I'm on the phone!) Some adoptions just have the birth parent pick the family and they never meet and they don't know what state their baby goes to or last names and such. . . Each adoption is so unique to itself that all the finer details are always completely different--so it depends on what kind of ongoing contact throughout the child's life will be decided upon.
2.Are you allowed to change your mind or is it a legal agreement?
Not all states have what is called a "contact agreement", which is a legally binding agreement on what is decided upon in the adoption. (ie, visits, photos, how many, when, etc.) Even though it is legally binding--if it is broken, the adoption would not be overturned--and mediation is required before you could take the other party to court. I think it is kind of a crock if there really are no serious repercussions to not following a legally binding agreement. We do have contact agreements here in MN, but we do not have one with Jakob or Jada. I am not sure if we will have one with Jenay. It is usually up to the birthparent. We have a cooperative agreement with Jakob's birthmom which we don't really follow (for the good) because she is just part of our family now. We don't even have a cooperative agreement from Jada's birthmom. She originally wanted a closed adoption and it "opened" fairly quickly starting with emails, then some visits. I think both our birthmoms are pretty comfortable asking if they feel they want to see us, or want some more photos, or whatever.
I think the most important thing is to not intentionally promise something for the purpose of getting a child when you rightly know you are not going to fulfill those promises. Open communication is so very important. If somebody is uncomfortable with something or the situation changes then you need to at least communicate that rather than ignore the person or "close" the adoption.
3.What are some of the pros and cons of having an open adoption?
I seriously can't think of any cons of having an open adoption. I am not saying that things are always easy, or not exhausting, but we sacrifice because this is what we have accepted as our family. Any parent would do anything for their child and this is what we choose for ours. There were many ups and downs during the first year of our first adoption. We were not really understanding what Kaiti was going through and we were all in uncharted territory. Lots of uncomfortable situations--that seriously would not be uncomfortable now that we've been through it all! haha! (Like her graduation open house and meeting all of her relatives--we were very very nervous!) All that unsolicited advice, again, from people who have no business even thinking they have the first clue about adoption. People telling us she shouldn't be coming over to our house or that we saw her too much. Our kids are awesome and they wouldn't be our kids without their birthmoms choosing us to be their parents. I think I put this in another answer, but you should see our kids when they are with their birthmoms. It is amazing!
Our kids get to know their stories. They get to see who they look like. They get to be loved by more people. They get to ask their questions in the future and get first had answers. We get to face all the difficult times together. There are so many emotional layers to adoption--aspects on all sides--and by coming together and being open, honest and respectful, we can at least face the emotional hardships (and happy stuff too!) with love, support, honesty and respect.
Our kids get to know their stories. They get to see who they look like. They get to be loved by more people. They get to ask their questions in the future and get first had answers. We get to face all the difficult times together. There are so many emotional layers to adoption--aspects on all sides--and by coming together and being open, honest and respectful, we can at least face the emotional hardships (and happy stuff too!) with love, support, honesty and respect.
4. How open is open? Does that degree of openness vary from situation to situation or is it pretty much the same for all parties involved?
Openness in adoption is what makes every "open" adoption unique. Generally, the chosen "adoptive" parents and the people involved with the birth family side sit down and decide what kind of openness they all agree upon for their adoption plan. That could mean photos, emails, letters, visits, whatever they agree upon. Some families may not exchange full names, addresses or phone numbers. Their communication may continue through the agency or attorney that facilitated the adoption. All of our birthmothers know where we live and we usually have visits at our house. The kids are comfortable and I know it is child proof and quite honestly--it is the easiest. Anyone who thinks you can have a truly quality visit in a restaurant with young children is fooling themselves. The birth family gets to see their child in their home, their room, their place of comfort where their true personality (and tantrums) come out. They have our phone number, email and we are on facebook together too. It is a great way to share photos and updates and quick notes. We have a cooperative agreement with Jakob's birthmom (which we hardly follow). Kaiti has been super helpful and been available to watch our kids when we needed help. I think we try to get together around once a month, sometimes more or less, depending on our schedules. We have nothing written up with Jada's birthmom. She currently lives out of state and when she comes home to visit she just calls us and we get together. We email on facebook too. I wish she lived closer, but facebook helps it feel like she lives here. We don't have any agreement written yet with Jenay's birthmom, but it will be open. We will be meeting her mother in the near future and have plans for her to visit us at home too. It is my dream to have them all over at the same time someday. They haven't met in person yet. . . but Jakob and Jada's birthmothers are "facebook" friends. They are all a part of our family. They are a part of our hearts and souls, the reason we are who we are today. So, I will do whatever it takes to keep them involved in our lives.
5. Do you or your husband ever get jealous?
I think there was a time when my husband worried about our son not wanting to spend Christmas with us when he was an adult and choosing to spend it with his birthfamily instead and felt a pang on his heart. And then I said why wouldn't we be able to arrange something to spend it all together? In all honesty, it makes me cry good happy tears to see my children love their birthmoms. There comes a time when we need to let go of our children and let them make their own decisions and spend time with whom ever they choose. They are not possessions. I never want them to feel like they are letting us down for wanting to love their birth families--or anyone else for that matter. I don't want to hold them back from anything.
6. Is there an open arrangement with just the birth mother, or is the father and extended family involved too?
All of our adoptions are just open with the birthmoms. We have a family relationship with Jakob's birthmom and her family. We know her boyfriend, periodically meet some of her friends and have met some relatives too. We know who his birthdad is but have no contact at this time. We have a relationship with Jada's birthmom and have met her birth grandmother a couple of times. We know her birthdad's first name and a bit of his story, but have no contact with him at this time. We will have an open relationship with Jenay's birthmom and are meeting her mother sometime in the near future. We may or may not ever know whom her birthdad is and most likely will never have contact with him. Of course, things are ever evolving so relationships may change as we all change, grow and mature. We may meet more family members in the future--who knows!
7 Do you worry that the birth family will try to tell you how to raise your children or undermine your parental role?
No, we do not worry about this. Our birth families have been very supportive in our roles as parents. I know that I am very over protective and cautious as a parent. It shows--in very obvious ways. It was more obvious when we just had one child. I'm sure they have all thought I am kind of weird with my ways at some point! haha! No different than my own biological family--only my biological family has no reserves about voicing their opinions! haha! If people really know me, for me, they know that I will listen respectfully--and then just do things my way anyway! :0)
It is really amazing how much unsolicited advice finds it's way into our lives--in anyone's lives--when it comes time to parenting. I, personally, have felt a lot of internal pressures as an adoptive parent. Hoping that I can live up to not only my own expectations as a parent, but the expectations of our birth families. I want to make all their hopes and dreams come true too--for their child that they entrusted to us. We are certainly not perfect, either, so if things are not going the way you envisioned, we are always carrying the extra pressure of letting our birthmoms and their families down. We have learned along this journey, that we cannot worry about things we have no control over--it will eat you up. We cannot worry about something that "may or may not" happen in the future. We can only educate, communicate, and prepare ourselves for the unknowns. We have to support each other. We have to "walk by faith, even when I cannot see" (Jeremy Camp). And that is why our faith is important and strong and necessary in our lives.
It is really amazing how much unsolicited advice finds it's way into our lives--in anyone's lives--when it comes time to parenting. I, personally, have felt a lot of internal pressures as an adoptive parent. Hoping that I can live up to not only my own expectations as a parent, but the expectations of our birth families. I want to make all their hopes and dreams come true too--for their child that they entrusted to us. We are certainly not perfect, either, so if things are not going the way you envisioned, we are always carrying the extra pressure of letting our birthmoms and their families down. We have learned along this journey, that we cannot worry about things we have no control over--it will eat you up. We cannot worry about something that "may or may not" happen in the future. We can only educate, communicate, and prepare ourselves for the unknowns. We have to support each other. We have to "walk by faith, even when I cannot see" (Jeremy Camp). And that is why our faith is important and strong and necessary in our lives.
8. Do you ever feel intruded on by having an open adoption? Any regrets?
I definitely do not feel intruded upon with an open adoption. There were a couple of times in the very beginning that we had some unexpected visits with Jakob's birthmom stopping over unannounced--completely innocent, but I guess it only was kind of pushing it because we were so tired but didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by asking to end the visit at a reasonable time. Now that I see things from a whole picture rather than from a cloudy over tired mind, I cherish the unplanned and unexpected. You just don't know what life may bring!
I think most of the intrusions come when complete strangers walk up to us and ask us if our kids are adopted and where from--without any respect that maybe it is a sensitive subject for our children. We do love to share our stories, but we know that at some point, it will be up to our children what is openly shared with strangers who ask silly questions out in public. (Well, they are not silly, but sometimes I just want to say DUH!). Once somebody asked if Jada was adopted and my hubby said, "no, we just forgot to put sunscreen on her."
I think my only regret is not starting the process sooner. I do believe that it is all in God's timing, but had we started sooner. . . we would have most likely adopted more! The cost was so intimidating when we initially pursued adoption that we held off for awhile thinking we couldn't afford it. Who knew what giving up a few "finer" things in life would bring us!
I think most of the intrusions come when complete strangers walk up to us and ask us if our kids are adopted and where from--without any respect that maybe it is a sensitive subject for our children. We do love to share our stories, but we know that at some point, it will be up to our children what is openly shared with strangers who ask silly questions out in public. (Well, they are not silly, but sometimes I just want to say DUH!). Once somebody asked if Jada was adopted and my hubby said, "no, we just forgot to put sunscreen on her."
I think my only regret is not starting the process sooner. I do believe that it is all in God's timing, but had we started sooner. . . we would have most likely adopted more! The cost was so intimidating when we initially pursued adoption that we held off for awhile thinking we couldn't afford it. Who knew what giving up a few "finer" things in life would bring us!
9. How do you think having and open adoption vs. a closed adoption affects your children?Do you think it will be confusing for them in the long run?
I think keeping things a secret and creating the opportunity for our children to create that "fantasy" is far more confusing than having an honest open adoption. There are some tricky things that we will have to face in the future as far as when to share age appropriate truths, but far better than a fantasy. If only all of you could see our children with their birthmom's--you would get it. The light in their eyes, the laughter, the happiness that comes when we get together. I'm sure there will be more difficult days and questions, but we hope they know they can love their birth families as much as we love them. I like to explain it to people like this~Jesus has enough love to go around for everyone that wants to accept his love--even enough for those who don't want to accept his love, so there is no reason we can't love like Jesus and have more people in our lives to love and be loved.
I also feel like I know my children better because I know their birthmoms and some of their birth families. I see their personalities, their looks, their mannerisms, all in my children. If I look at how much I love this. . . then I can see how much more it will mean to my children. How neat it will be to have somebody to share those things with on a personal level.
I also feel like I know my children better because I know their birthmoms and some of their birth families. I see their personalities, their looks, their mannerisms, all in my children. If I look at how much I love this. . . then I can see how much more it will mean to my children. How neat it will be to have somebody to share those things with on a personal level.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Ministers and Moving
As I've said before, my mom drew the weirdest of people into her life. Generally, the children of her odd friends were my playmates. There was a family building a log cabin who lived their summer in a circus tent. They were vegan and had twins; a boy and a girl.
During the summer we participated in the play "Annie" for the locals and went a few days a week for practice... nerves always got the best of me and I was sure to break out in hives that a dose of Benadryl would easily cure. I spent a lot of time with the twins that summer.
After their house was built in the fall I went to spend the night with them. We ate vegan pizza and the twin’s biological father came to see the new house. I though it was really neat how the step-father and natural father of the twins were friends. The girl twin was a hateful little princess and would get mad if I tried to sing while she was singing. Soon I found out why she was so hateful.
After going to bed that night her biological father, who was a minister, attempted to put his hands in my underpants, thinking I was asleep. I simply rolled over avoiding him until he left the room. I waited a few minutes as anger boiled inside me. I thought that because everyone in the town knew my secret, they thought I was fair game. I finally summonsed some courage and jumped out of bed and went downstairs to tell the mother. She was shocked, but got him to confess that indeed he'd tried something on me. After that the matter was simply dropped. I felt as if I wore a scarlet letter and my mistrust in the "clergy" deepened. I never saw the family again (they went to a different school and were not members of our church).
It wasn't long before my mother announced we would be moving to the town she went to school in about an hour away. Grandma would be moving to California with Papa to be near the auntie. My world was shattered. On one hand, no one would know, but to lose my grandmother again was devastating. I did look forward to more modern conveniences, but to be alone with my mother left me feeling defeated.
We moved to “government assisted housing” aka the projects and I finished out my sixth grade year in a new school. I didn’t bother to get to know my classmates and couldn’t tell you any of their names. At this point I was living one day at a time and sometimes an hour at a time. Isolation swallowed me.
During the summer we participated in the play "Annie" for the locals and went a few days a week for practice... nerves always got the best of me and I was sure to break out in hives that a dose of Benadryl would easily cure. I spent a lot of time with the twins that summer.
After their house was built in the fall I went to spend the night with them. We ate vegan pizza and the twin’s biological father came to see the new house. I though it was really neat how the step-father and natural father of the twins were friends. The girl twin was a hateful little princess and would get mad if I tried to sing while she was singing. Soon I found out why she was so hateful.
After going to bed that night her biological father, who was a minister, attempted to put his hands in my underpants, thinking I was asleep. I simply rolled over avoiding him until he left the room. I waited a few minutes as anger boiled inside me. I thought that because everyone in the town knew my secret, they thought I was fair game. I finally summonsed some courage and jumped out of bed and went downstairs to tell the mother. She was shocked, but got him to confess that indeed he'd tried something on me. After that the matter was simply dropped. I felt as if I wore a scarlet letter and my mistrust in the "clergy" deepened. I never saw the family again (they went to a different school and were not members of our church).
It wasn't long before my mother announced we would be moving to the town she went to school in about an hour away. Grandma would be moving to California with Papa to be near the auntie. My world was shattered. On one hand, no one would know, but to lose my grandmother again was devastating. I did look forward to more modern conveniences, but to be alone with my mother left me feeling defeated.
We moved to “government assisted housing” aka the projects and I finished out my sixth grade year in a new school. I didn’t bother to get to know my classmates and couldn’t tell you any of their names. At this point I was living one day at a time and sometimes an hour at a time. Isolation swallowed me.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
A new boyfriend
Momma met a deaf man while she was in school. He was pretty funny. Between his visits, visits from Church members, momma going to school, going down to grandma's house, etc, life began easing up a little bit. Summer always seemed to make life a little easier.
There was a big spool that cable used to be on that Papa knocked a few boards out of the side for me so I could hide inside. I loved hiding. Hiding made me feel safe. I'd climb into the spool with a book and no one would bother me for hours that summer. I'd giggle when one of the cats would find me and try to climb into the spool with me. I'd be even happier when Papa would set a PB&J sandwich cut into fourths and a cold glass of milk on top of the spool. He'd walk through the yard whistling with the goodies Grandma would make, sometimes cookies, sometimes cake and leave the treats pretending he didn't know I was in the spool. I'd barely wait until I heard him turn back towards the house before my hand would reach up to gather my treats.
I liked mom's new boyfriend. He taught us how to sign and was a big kid himself. This is how stupid he was though... one day he was goofing around and poured motor oil over my head. Now remember... all the water had to be heated so I was PISSED I had to wash my hair in Dawn dish washing liquid about 92 times to get the oil out. He felt really bad though. He didn't go to his own church so he was open to going with us. I really liked that I could turn my back and say smart ass things and then turn back around and smile innocently when he was around. He kept momma occupied so I tried not to run him off.
There was a big spool that cable used to be on that Papa knocked a few boards out of the side for me so I could hide inside. I loved hiding. Hiding made me feel safe. I'd climb into the spool with a book and no one would bother me for hours that summer. I'd giggle when one of the cats would find me and try to climb into the spool with me. I'd be even happier when Papa would set a PB&J sandwich cut into fourths and a cold glass of milk on top of the spool. He'd walk through the yard whistling with the goodies Grandma would make, sometimes cookies, sometimes cake and leave the treats pretending he didn't know I was in the spool. I'd barely wait until I heard him turn back towards the house before my hand would reach up to gather my treats.
I liked mom's new boyfriend. He taught us how to sign and was a big kid himself. This is how stupid he was though... one day he was goofing around and poured motor oil over my head. Now remember... all the water had to be heated so I was PISSED I had to wash my hair in Dawn dish washing liquid about 92 times to get the oil out. He felt really bad though. He didn't go to his own church so he was open to going with us. I really liked that I could turn my back and say smart ass things and then turn back around and smile innocently when he was around. He kept momma occupied so I tried not to run him off.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Anxiety
I hope all my Christian friends can bare with me for a few minutes, but there is nothing in life that brings me more anxiety than the Mormons coming to my house... unannounced and uninvited.
They just left. This time they brought the former bishop with them. We were playing Wii (before Survivor and Greys come on) because we needed to destress from the day for awhile.
The mere half an hour they were here filled me with almost a panic.
Why do they keep coming here? UGGGGG.
Yes, please come on over on a work night when we're all in our boxers and tank tops playing Wii (Thursday night is sandwich night before some hater talks about how I need to be tending my grown children). Thursday is our favorite day... great TV, the weekend is just a day away. LOVE Thursdays!
Ahhh and thank you to my children who scattered like roaches. Chickens. LoL
And Amanda... Thank you for encouraging me to keep posting. I plan to post more this weekend.
They just left. This time they brought the former bishop with them. We were playing Wii (before Survivor and Greys come on) because we needed to destress from the day for awhile.
The mere half an hour they were here filled me with almost a panic.
Why do they keep coming here? UGGGGG.
Yes, please come on over on a work night when we're all in our boxers and tank tops playing Wii (Thursday night is sandwich night before some hater talks about how I need to be tending my grown children). Thursday is our favorite day... great TV, the weekend is just a day away. LOVE Thursdays!
Ahhh and thank you to my children who scattered like roaches. Chickens. LoL
And Amanda... Thank you for encouraging me to keep posting. I plan to post more this weekend.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Good Morning Beautiful Sunshiney Weekend!!!
I can't believe you are you there Mr. Sun! I've been waiting for you for ever so long. I'm going to a babyshower and to do two home visits today. Please don't run away when I go outside. I've missed you so!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Time for a Round Robin!
I love games and so do my "kids". I found an amazing teacher's blog here with LOADS of free resources, games for autistic children and links to everything and anything you can imagine. One of my favorites to use if I have a child in my office is this simple sequencing site found at Jacob's lessons. I've never met a child who didn't love to play on my computer LoL.
Let's see how many of your favorite resource sites we can list and compile. Take the link and add it to your own blog along with your favorite resource link. (Post it here as well so we can share what resources we're using for those long days and bonding exercises!!)
I haven't figured out the sorting blogs and links in my side bar yet, but I'll try to do some google learning this weekend.
Let's see how many of your favorite resource sites we can list and compile. Take the link and add it to your own blog along with your favorite resource link. (Post it here as well so we can share what resources we're using for those long days and bonding exercises!!)
I haven't figured out the sorting blogs and links in my side bar yet, but I'll try to do some google learning this weekend.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Send your RAD kids cards this week!
I can feel today is going to be an awesome day!
I'm really grateful for my loving friends and family. I hope I can touch their lives today in a way that makes them feel cared for and appreciated.
I hope I'm productive and knock several assessments and case plans out.
I hope I trust today... I hope I give the benefit of the doubt today.
I hope the same for all of my RAD "kids". Please take a minute to mail your RAD and Asperger children cards/postcards/letters today. Even if you live with them. They love mail and it only takes a minute. It helps them feel connected and thought of. It's something they can keep and hold onto when they have bad days.
Have fun today :)
I'm really grateful for my loving friends and family. I hope I can touch their lives today in a way that makes them feel cared for and appreciated.
I hope I'm productive and knock several assessments and case plans out.
I hope I trust today... I hope I give the benefit of the doubt today.
I hope the same for all of my RAD "kids". Please take a minute to mail your RAD and Asperger children cards/postcards/letters today. Even if you live with them. They love mail and it only takes a minute. It helps them feel connected and thought of. It's something they can keep and hold onto when they have bad days.
Have fun today :)
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