I've become the master of ignoring my history. I think about how I present myself today and how I close myself off to what was. I wonder what people think of me and know that as much as I pretend I don't care what anyone else thinks of me... I really do care. Of course, I won't let that feeling of caring overwhelm me. I'm the master of ignoring. I'm the master of keeping my mind busy to crowd everything else out. I'm the master of sarcasm and laughter. I know I take the sarcasm too far and come off as a bitch sometimes (Okay most of the time, but not when it really matters), but if the worse you think about me is that I'm a bitch, then that's fine. It's better that way than if people could really see inside. I'd rather be a bitch than be exposed.
I got a phone call from one of my foster kids on my case load last night. I smiled as I listened to her ask me if I had a good Christmas. "I've been good this week Mrs. Babs. You'd be proud of me"! I can remember a time this child hated me. It was the best of Christmas presents! I really am proud of her. I know how easy it is to throw those shields up. I know what kind of work it takes to try something else. Good for her!